Letting Go
Last Monday was a day of contrasts for me – all day I knew the night ahead would be difficult. Eloise my youngest daughter was flying out of Australia to London by herself to start two months of adventure.
I know she is on a number of tours and will meet nice people but seeing her throughout the day getting ready, packing and arranging her travel documents made me realize that the day had come when I would have to let her go.
This is her dream. She took a gap year, worked and saved hard to make this trip possible. In fact for the past three months she worked for me as my Executive Assistant. Our relationship has always been close but working together just made me know that I would miss her that little bit more.
I had to smile at people’s advice to me – well meaning but usually from people who have never had to put their youngest daughter on a plane by herself. It didn’t really concern me when their rather cliché advice seemed to trivialize my emotion.
Yet deep down I knew this was Eloise’s dream. Others had said they would go with her overseas but in the end it was just her. She went alone. That night at the airport the father’s heart wanted to ask her all the necessary questions but I knew this would only cause her to know that I was indeed worried about her. I hugged her and for a moment didn’t want to let her go – told her I love her, knowing those words didn’t begin to convey the depth of my feelings for her.
As she walked towards the departure gate and out of sight I was missing her already. Yet at that moment I knew letting go, although hard, is what life is all about. The bird leaves the nest and flies. That’s what you raised her and trained her to do. Pursue her dream.
Eloise is brave beyond measure – this is her dream and she is pursuing it with all her might. Knowing that makes letting go a little easier I think.
Recently I read a poem ‘In Blackwater Woods’ by Mary Oliver which for me captures the difficulty and yet significance of letting go those we love
“To live in this world you must be able to do three things:
To love what is mortal;
To hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it;
And, when the times comes to let it go,
To let it go.”
My friend Nancy Beach who farewelled her daughter who was also going overseas said this about the occasion and I think I will adopt her words as my own – “God help me to risk loving deeply knowing that inevitably, times come when I have to let go of those I love the most…”
A Mother’s Day Declaration
Julia Ward Howe lived in an era when a nation was tearing itself apart in civil war. She was a poet and writer – perhaps most well known for her penning of the great hymn ‘Battle Hymn of the Republic’. However she was also a ferocious advocate for other causes – including the equal rights of woman.
Yet something that struck me about this passionate woman was her advocacy for peace. She personally witnessed the worst effects of the war when she volunteered with her husband in the hospitals that treated wounded soldiers. The death and disease, which killed and maimed soldiers, would have a lasting effect upon her.
She helped widows and orphans of soldiers on both sides of the war, and realized that the effects of the war go beyond the killing of soldiers in battle. A deep thinker Julia Howe also saw the economic devastation of the Civil War, the economic crises that followed the war, the restructuring of the economies of both North and South and realized that there must be an alternative to war.
Her passion and desire was for women to come together across national lines and to lead efforts to find peaceful resolutions to conflicts. Her proposal was to adopt an international ‘Mother’s Day of Peace’. This is fact was one of the early forerunners to our current Mother’s Day.
In 1870 Julia Howe wrote a declaration for peace which when read even today stirs one’s soul with the zeal of her words. I thought the declaration would interest those with a heart for peaceful resolutions to the world’s problems.
“Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether your baptism be of water or of tears! Say firmly, We will not have questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us reeking of carnage for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy, and patience. We women of one country will be too tender to those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.
From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own. It says ‘Disarm! Disarm!’ The sword of murder is not the balance of justice. Blood does not wipe out dishonour, nor violence indicate possession.
As men have forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead. Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after his time the sacred impress not of Caesar, but of God.
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.”
Have a wonderful Mother’s Day this Sunday!
A Simple Cross!
“If you have lost a child then please know that this next story may upset you!’ Driving and hearing that on the radio certainly got my interest – what would the next story be about – well from the announcement I knew part of what it was going to be about.
Then the story started – it was about a dispute between a couple who lost their daughter 21 years ago and the Local Authority that governed the lawn cemetery where the little child was buried. The couple had for the past 21 years had a cross on the plaque but now the Council has said that no objects were to be placed on any grave plaques due to the fact that maintenance namely mowing could not take place if any objects were on top of the plaques.
I am not commenting on the rights or wrongs of this decision – that will not be my point. For me it was the depth of grief expressed by the mother during the interview on radio. Here I was driving with tears flowing – the mother pouring out her heart over her deceased child as if the child had passed away only yesterday. It was so gut wrenching, raw, emotional and heart felt. I was incredibly moved by this mother’s heart of grief.
My mother passed away in 1988 – an asthma attack lasting only a few minutes yet she died. I have discovered that grief is an unstable emotion. Many people told me that the grief will pass with time – ‘Time heals’, they said and at the time I believed them because I wanted the immense pain of my loss to go away or at least reduce. 22 years later and sometimes I find myself thinking of my mum and without warning deep grief hits me and I am reduced to tears. Grief cares not about time or place – it is inconvenient and messy and has no time frame. To be honest I just don’t like it.
The mother on the radio won my heart and my sympathy – her grief became my grief – her tears seem to overflow and become mine also. I realized that is what grief does it unites all of us – it blends our sympathies together – it helps us carry the weight because we see others carrying the weight of grief also. It spans time and space – it hurts! Yet somehow I’m glad of the emotion of grief – it helps me never forget and gives me sympathy and compassion for the mother on the radio who represents all of us who have lost someone we love!
The Unessential Father
I always thought that when your child entered Grade 12 – last year at High School – it was all about study. You know what I mean – study, exams OP scores and thinking about the future. However after seeing four children enter their final year I now realize that Grade 12 is about one thing and possibly one thing only especially if you are a girl.
Forget study – it is about the School Formal. YES, that’s right – you heard me all you fathers of high school daughters – it is the School Formal.
This is an event of ‘Ben Hur’ proportions – organizational skill is essential as are the adequate financial reserves of a small nation, a psychologists mind, nerves of steel, patience of Job, wisdom of Solomon and a keen sense of what to say, when to say it and when to disappear completely.
You see the planning is long term – such things as dress, jewellery, make up, hair, shoes and handbag are only the start of the many choices that have to be made and as a mere male these choices are deemed to be far too important for you to be involved in.
Then there is the choice of who one should take to the formal – any suggestions from a father are considered unhelpful and not even barely tolerated. As if a father would know about these things – such as males?
But no one prepares you THE DAY – yes the day – school finishes at 10.30 am because it takes all day to get ready. A completely foreign concept for a male! As a Dad you want to help but you learn that such help is not required and indeed this is the time for absence. There is a rush of activity, the air is filled with a tension that no man can possibly understand, people come from everywhere for a viewing – this is not the time for faint hearted men – this is the time of women on a mission.
One wrong word, one wrong move or one wrong action from me at this time could prove to be extremely costly and I don’t mean financially.
Yes this is the moment where your feelings of being totally useless and unessential flood you.
Then it happens!
Your daughter comes out of the room – she is ready – pursued by hordes of helpers – for a fleeting moment you think how did so many women get into that room but all is now lost as my daughter stands before me.
I now know my role – I have discovered a father’s role in a daughter’s formal. It is with tears in your eyes you look at her and tell her from the depths of your heart, how truly beautiful and grown up she is – that is the fathers moment and one you never forget!
Thai Food & Great Company
Last night I had a wonderful experience – thank goodness it is not a rare occurrence. At a fantastic Thai restaurant my son Nicholas and I had dinner together and just enjoyed each others company. Each of my children is very special to me – no favourites – just great human beings that I love to hang out with. We chatted, we laughed, we eat and we shared some dreams and heart desires together. As I left the restaurant I had a couple of thoughts!
Firstly - I pondered how many fathers and sons or daughters would have had this experience? A time together – face to face – just the two of you – enjoying good food and good time.
Secondly – as I walked away with Nicholas going to have a coffee with friends - I thought about my relationship with my father in heaven. If I enjoyed my time and conversation with Nicholas so very much, how much more would God enjoy his time with me. I didn’t want my time with my son to end – does God experience that same joy during and after my time with him. I absolutely believe that to be the case. Somehow I think that God cherishes each and every moment with me – hanging on my every word – not wanting the time to finish – hoping it will not end. I know this is not an original thought but it refreshed my attitude to prayer once again.
It also made me more keen to just hang out with all my children – I just love them!
Perhaps as a parent you may be prompted to do what I did – have a meal with one of the kids? Don’t delay do it now and enjoy simply the best time ever!
